he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
