I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
