I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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