dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
