So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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