we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
