i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
