It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
