dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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