This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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