yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
