Heybabeimwearingurpanties
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
