it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
