Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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