I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
