my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
