life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
even my farts smell like vagina
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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