the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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