There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
