can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
