In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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