I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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