make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
