My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize