sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
