i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
