we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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