I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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