I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
