dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
