In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
