just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
