I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
