i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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