I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
