I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I need water and some morals
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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