he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
