mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
