Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
