Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
why do cheetos always look like penises
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
