I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
