dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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