Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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