i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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