I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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