Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
