He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
