we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
