Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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