ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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