my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
