don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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