there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
