I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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