Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
