So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
