It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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