I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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