I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
